Meltdowns are by far the most often cited difficult behavior that parents of kids with Asperger’s and autism face. Also called tantrums, rages, or more neutral names such as “frustration response”, a meltdown is essentially a complete loss of emotional control and reasoning. Common meltdown behaviors include crying, extreme whining, screaming, and verbal and physical aggression. One hallmark of ASD meltdowns or rages is their seemingly instant onset – a child with Asperger’s can go from calm to complete meltdown in a matter of seconds.
Although these outbursts sometimes seem to come from “out of the blue”, there is always a trigger. Your child may not be able to express what led to his or her meltdown, but if you look closely, you will generally be able to identify some causal factors. Potential triggers might include confusion or stress related to social difficulties, sensory integration issues, transition problems, being overly tired or hungry, or some combination of these factors. Regardless of why your child is experiencing meltdowns, it is important to remember (and help others understand) that your child is not willfully engaging in the outburst.
Of course, the best approach is to prevent meltdowns before they start. However, if your child is already beyond the point of no return, the following steps will help you manage the meltdown in a way that enables your child to learn from the experience and develop increased self-control and coping skills.
1. Control your own response. The most important step you can take when your child is experiencing emotional difficulties is to maintain self-control. Your ability to remain calm, patient, and kind during a meltdown is critical in defusing the situation – and it allows you to model self-control for your child, ultimately helping him to develop his own self-control skills.
2. Keep everyone safe. If your child’s meltdown is compromising his safety or the safety of others, remove him from the place or situation and take other steps as needed to ensure safety and control.
3. Respond to your child (not the behavior). Communicate to your child, verbally and nonverbally, that you are there for him. Some children respond well to being held and comforted during a meltdown – others do not. Do what works for your child. Don’t say anything about how the outburst is making you or others feel. Realize that there is nothing you can do to stop a rage cycle in progress – once it has started, your goal is simply to help your child regain his emotional equilibrium without feeling guilty, “bad”, or in any way diminished in your eyes or his own.
4. Keep your responses brief. When your child is in the midst of a meltdown, words just become sensory static. At that moment, your child’s ability to hear (let alone process) what you are saying is severely diminished. You will get through to your child more effectively by keeping it short and to the point. Try to keep your responses to five words or less – for example, say “We are leaving now” instead of giving a lengthy explanation about why your child’s behavior makes it necessary to leave. Of course, be prepared to follow through immediately on everything you say.
5. Save any discussion for later. Don’t try to discuss the meltdown, or provide coaching to your child, until he is in a calm, receptive mood. This may be in half an hour, or perhaps even days later. When you revisit the situation, help him come up with ways that he might handle the situation differently in the future, and reaffirm your love and support for him.
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